


Don't you wanna go crazy? Just apeshit?

by shadowsaber420BLAZEIT



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Action & Romance, Comedy, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Servant Swap, but not the usual servant swap, no Ryuunosuke in this holy house
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2020-11-28 11:56:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 7,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20966168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowsaber420BLAZEIT/pseuds/shadowsaber420BLAZEIT
Summary: Waver decided not to steal Kayneth's relic and manages to summon a servant. Archer! A knight class! Perfect. Except he can't remember who he is. Also keeps fighting with swords instead of a bow. What kind of Archer did he summon and why does life hate him?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. I started this fic as a joke in a discord server with my friend and wrote for this au when I was bored at work and here we are. What is my life.

Tohsaka smiles to himself. He'll get the strongest servant. Gilgamesh the King of Heroes. He'll win the war for sure.

Gilgamesh blinks once he gets summoned. "...Who dares to summon the wise king of Uruk?"

Gilgamesh! Tohsaka succeeded. "I am your master, and with your excellence, we'll win the grail war for sure. Could your highness tell me what class you are?"

The servant smirks. "Servant Caster, mongrel. You missunderstand your place though. You are not my master - I am in charge of our plans and I will secure victory. You'll just be there to lend me mana and give me your finest wine."

* * *

Waver decided not to steal Kayneth's relic. He can do this on his own - he doesn't NEED to rely on Kayneth's dumb relic.

The summoning is working! Waver almost jumps in joy - and then stares up at his servant.

"Servant Archer. I ask of you- are you my master?"

"Y-yes! I am!" Waver smiles brightly. Archer! A knight class! Perfect. "Nice to meet you! I'm Waver Velvet - I bet we can win the war for sure- what's your true name by the way?"

Waver... Velvet? Oh god did he land in the 4th grail war? He's a lot... smaller than expected. "...Oh dear. I can't seem to remember." Emiya knows exactly who he is.

Waver almost seems to get a heart attack and Emiya almost feels sorry for him. "W-w-what do you mean you CAN'T REMEMBER?"

* * *

“You’re my master? Iksander the King of Conquerors commends you for managing to summon me!” Iksander can’t say he likes the look of his master, something about him rubs him the wrong way.

“Indeed I am!” Kayneth smiles smugly. “I shall win this war, with a servant as powerful as yourself, it should be easy. This is my wife, by the way”. He gestures to Sola-Ui.

“It’s nice to meet you, Rider. I’m Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri, please call me Sola-Ui.” She smiles - Iksander seems quite charming.

“You as well, Miss Sola-Ui!”  
  
Kayneth doesn’t like the way they’re staring at each other.

* * *

Lancer stares at his new master, Kariya Matou. The man is sick and in pain, Lancer can tell, but he feels nothing but respect for the man. He's doing this for a little girl after all. 

"My lord..." Lancer speaks up. Kariya turns to him, looking a bit dead inside. "...One of my spears negates any magic - we could use it to... destroy the worms. Zouken too."

Kariya lights up. "Lancer! I didn't even consider that.... but how do we get the worms out?"

"I know a few runes that can help." Happy that he can help his master, Lancer beams. "We'll save Sakura-san and you too, my Lord."

"Lancer... no, Diarmuid. I thank you, with all of my heart."

"Everything for my lord."

* * *

Berserker opens his eyes to bloodshed. Corpses of children are everywhere. Even as insane as he is - he is Lancelot. A honorable knight of the roundtable. He will NOT stand for this. His master will perish.

The moment berserker sets eyes on him, he's dead. Head ripped off. Maybe Lancelot will be summoned by someone normal next time - or maybe he should go out to find a new master? Berserker decides to try his luck.

* * *

Assassin Class. Fitting for Kirei. But why does she have to be so... weird?

"So your real name is... Mysterious Heroine X."

"Yes. That is my name."

"And you kill... what did you call it - Saberfaces?" Kirei still doesn't get that one.

"Yes. Servants that look like me. They're a race that should be eliminated."

"But you aren't a Saber."

"I was once." Okay. Sure. Whatever.

* * *

Kiritsugu doesn't understand- he should have summoned Arthur! At least he got a Saber...

"So Saber... what is your real name?"

The servant smiles brightly. "I am Nero Claudius umu!" She exclaims. "Bride Version!"

That's not too bad- wait what. "... Bride version?"

"I'm wearing a bride costume! That's why my moral alignment is bride umu!"

"That makes no sense- you know what. Fine." Kiritsugu is too tired to question this.


	2. Chapter 2

"So you're from the future."

"Yes."

"Where I grew 30cm and became your teacher."

"Yes."

"And now you want to destroy the Holy Grail and save this Sakura girl."

"Yep." Archer has the guts to look smug, the bastard.

"I hate this." Waver groans, flopping down on the bed. This is not what he expected when he went to sleep and saw the memories of this servant. "This is crazy... Fine. We'll save the girl - worms don't sound pleasant. I don't care about the grail anyway."

He pats the place besides him. Archer sits down with a raised brow. "Why join the war then?"

"I want to... be respected." Waver admits, blush on his face. "And spite my teacher. Fuck him."

"Better reason than I had." Archer snorts. He was an idiot when he was young.

"I mean wanting to keep the grail away from bad people isn't a bad thing." Waver answers with a shrug. "But the way you did it..." He winces.

"Don't remind me." Just thinking abour it makes Archer shudder.

"Anyway. Saving Sakura comes first. We go to the Matou Mansion."

Waver screams. "But! We need a plan!"

"I have a plan!"

"No you don't!"

"Okay yeah I don't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters are like one shots - they don't have to be connected. Please don't expect too much svdghchafdsh i'm just gay and write things.


	3. Chapter 3

"My lord... are you sure this is a good idea?" Lancer asks, looking at his newly healed wormless master.

"It's an absolutely horrible idea." Kariya nods to himself. "But I don't have any other ideas." They're standing in front of the Matou Mansion. Ready to storm it.

"Okay I don't have any either." Hopefully they won't die.

Before they can start they hear loud arguing- Lancer drags them into a bush, apologizing quietly.

"Archer we can't just storm the mansion!" A boy- no master yells out.

"Yes we can."

"Archer! No!"

"Archer, yes." The servant replies and manches up to their bush. Oh no. "So when are you two coming out of there?" Archer smiles smugly, ignoring his master yelling in surprise behind him.

Lancer gets out of the bush, covering Kariya protectively. "...What do you two want?"

"Oh, just storm the mansion. Save a certain girl." Archer keeps his smug smile as both Waver and Kariya get a heart attack.

"How do you know about Sakura!?" It bursts out of Kariya, before he starts coughing, still not at full strength. Lancer is by his side instantly, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Waver dreads Archers answer.

"I'm from the future."

Waver was right to dread it. He groans and facepalms.


	4. Chapter 4

They somehow got Kariya to believe them- Waver isn't sure how Archer pulled it off. The level of bullshit was kinda amazing if he's being honest.

"Okay, so storming the mansion isn't quite as suicidal now." Waver says as he hands out tea for everyone. They're sitting in his room, eating cookies and drinking tea.

Kariya nods, taking a sip of the tea. "I just... don't want Sakura to suffer anymore." He looks like he might cry. Waver feels bad for the guy.

Lancer shifts closer to Kariya. "Don't worry my lord. Zouken won't stand a chance between two servants and two masters. Isn't that right, Archer?"

"I have a few tricks up my sleeve." Throwing Unlimited Blade Works at Zouken should be very satisfying. "Waver- I need you to give me as much mana as you can- I know your reserves aren't big but...."

"Way ahead of you!" Waver grins, happy to be of use for once. "I decided to start storing a bit of my blood away once I started the war. It isn't much but it should do the trick."

"Perfect! Good work." Archer looks better when he's smiling Waver thinks, blushing slightly.

"Take as much of my blood as you need, Lancer." Kariya takes Lancers hands in his. "Everything for Sakura."

"My lord.... Alright, but take care of yourself."

"Everything is ready then!" Waver says quickly. "We strike at night! Be ready by then!" He grabs Archers hand and runs out of the room.


	5. Chapter 5

Kiritsugu wants to scream in despair. "Saber you have to go with my wife for our plan."

"But Praetor!" She protests, puffing out her cheeks. "How can I protect you then?"

"I have a gun." And also Maiya.

"...Fine umu, but I'm not happy about it." Saber crosses her arms and looks away.

"I'm sure it will be fine Saber!" Irisviel smiles at Nero softly and takes her hand. "I even made you a suit! It will be fun!"

"Your wife is adorable Praetor! I love adorable women!" Maybe this will turn out fine after all.

"Lets go board the plane my lady!" She hurries off, Irisviel in tow.

Is... is Saber going to steal his wife?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters today cuz both are pretty short... umu


	6. Chapter 6

"Another!" Gilgamesh demands, lifting up his wine glass. "You finally managed to get me passing wine, Tohsaka."

Wine bottles are scattered around the floor. Tohsaka wants to cry. Where did his money go? "I'll try to find even better wine, your highness." This was the most expensive he could find, and it's only PASSABLE?

"Good! That's what I want to hear. Now get out of my sight." Tohsaka bows and leaves, all to eager to leave his servant alone. He's only obeying so he can win he tells himself. Not because he's afraid of Gilgamesh. Of course not.

Once Tohsaka is out of the room, Giglamesh scoffs. "Worm." He finishes his glass before sunmoning his own wine out of the gate.

The grail is corrupted - Gilgamesh already forsaw it. He has no need for such a thing. He'll watch as the dogs fight among themselves. It will surley be amusing.


	7. Chapter 7

"Archer... are you cooking?" Waver looks at his servant in awe.

"We have time to kill - I like cooking so why not?" Archer replies doing some fancy cooking stuff Waver can't describe.

"I didn't think you could cook - want some help?" He might as well make himself useful.

"Chop the vegetables." Archer throws the knife at him.

Screaming, Waver manages to catch the knife. "H-hey! I could have hurt myself!" Archer just smiles smugly in reply. Asshole.

Pouting, Waver gets to work. He soons gets distracted by Archer -he's almost... graceful in the kitchen.  
"Youch!" Of course Waver nicked himself with the knife. Life hates him like that.

"Master... are you really not competent enough to chop vegetables?"

"N-no! It was you!" Waver thrusts his bleeding finger in Archer's face. "You distracted me with your... cooking-ness!"

"That's not a word." Amused, Archer grabs Waver's finger and _licks it_. Waver squeals almost high enough to break glass. Stammering and blushing as red as a tomato, Waver rips his fingers out of Archer's grip. "A-a-a-rcher what the FUCK? What are you? A vampire?" Waver's heart is beating so loudly, he's afraid he might faint.

"I can't just let you waste precious mana like that, master." Archer _winks_ at him and then wraps his finger up in a bandage. "Now go sit in a corner and let me do the cooking."

"S-sure...." Still starring at his finger, Waver sits down. He's losing his mind, isn't he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still have so much written of this that i didn't post yet, amazing


	8. Chapter 8

Lancelot stares at the woman in front of him.

"Be my servant." Sola-Ui says. "I'm sick of Kayneth and I'm in so deep already - I might as well try to win this thing."

Berserker keeps staring at her, before making an unholy noise. He then nods. Better than a child murderer. To be fair, almost everything is better than a child murderer.

"I, Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri, wish to take you, Berserker as my servant!"

Berserker screams - command seals appear on her hand. "Now... it's for the best if Kayneth doesn't know... how about you go in spirit form, and I work on hiding the seals...? Ah, make-up is probably the best bet."


	9. Chapter 9

Lancer treats the bite he made on Kariya's shoulder. "Are you okay my lord? It doesn't hurt too bad?" He knows this is for the best - but Diarmuid still feels bad about hurting his master.

"I'm fine Lancer." Kariya smiles weakly, covering Lancer's hand with his own. It does hurt - but he has to do this. For Sakura. "Really. Please don't feel bad." It was nice too to be honest. To be of use of his wonderful servant.

"...I'm sorry my lord, but I can't do that. I'm here to protect you, not hurt you... but I shall try, for your sake." Lancer stands up, and Kariya already misses his warmth.

"That's all I ask." Lancer helps Kariya up carefully. "Thank you, Lancer."

Before the silence can turn awkward, Archer's voice rings out from downstairs. "Food is ready! Come down you two!" So they go.

Lancer is confused as he sits down for dinner. Waver is quiet during the meal, just kinda staring at his (bandaged?) finger. He only praised Archer for the food - which is fantastic - and then blushed (?) and stopped talking. Diarmuid doesn't know what to make of that. Did something happened while he was busy with his master?

"Archer, where did you learn cooking?" Waver finally asks, having snapped out of whatever episode he was having.

"My father was really bad at cooking, so I learned." Archer shrugs likes it's no big deal. "As simple as that."

"It can't be that easy!" Waver _tried_ cooking once and set the kitchen on fire. He stuck to microwave meals after that. "I still can't..."

"How about I teach you?" Archer replies. "Can't have my master die because he can't chop vegetables."

"Stop it with the vegetables!" Waver cries out, red once again. "Never mind! I don't want to learn!"

"Yes you do."

"....Yes I do."


	10. Chapter 10

"So, Irisviel..." Nero steps out of the plane - she loved it! Seeing the world from above was fantastic. "You've never been out of the castle, right? We have to fix that umu!"

"Oh Saber... that sounds wonderful!" Irisviel grins. "I always wanted to look at Fuyuki! Oh the sea too!"

"Of course!" And they drive off to see what all of Fuyuki can bring them. Driving with Irisviel is a nightmare but Nero takes it in stride.

Eventually they reach the beach. "Irisviel, a servant is near! They're practically begging for a challenge!" Saber's pride won't let her ignore this. "We must confront them!"

"Saber..." Irisviel seems a bit unsure.

"Do not worry!" Nero grasps Irisviel's hands. "I shall protect you! No harm shall come to you while under my protection!"

Irisviel beams, and they set out to find the servant.

They arrive at a clearing. Saber steps forward. "So you are the servant that's leaking mana everywhere? I shall accept your challenge!"

Rider laughs loudly. "A servant has finally taken up my challenge! You look like a fine warrior! A bit small though."

Nero huffs, readying her sword, having changed in her battle garments in a blink of an eye. "Me? Small? You will pay for those words umu."

"Spoken like a true warrior!" Another loud laugh. "Let's fight! I am Iksander, the King of Conquerers! Summoned in Rider Class!"

Nero blinks, taken aback. Even she knows not to give out her name. "I am Servant Saber! I would love to give you my name umu, but I can't."


	11. Chapter 11

The 4 are once again in front of the Matou Mansion. "Okay what's the plan?" Waver asks, expecting absolutely nothing.

"Lancer kicks the door in, we rush in, kill the worms with my arrows. Lancer stabs Zouken and we get Sakura out." Archer says, nodding to himself. "You two masters just... keep your distance and feed us mana."

"That's a horrible plan." But it's not like they can sneak in. "But fine- but Archer, don't get yourself killed! It would be an embarrassment if my servant were the first one to die."

"Will do, master." Archer ruffles Waver's hair- ignoring Waver's protests- and turns to the door. "Lancer?"

Lancer kicks the door so hard it flies off the hinges.

"...Nice."

They infiltrate the mansion.

* * *

Zouken was enjoying a nice nap when suddenly, his front door got kicked open and he got stabbed. Which wouldn't be that bad, but the worms aren't... doing anything. He's actually dying. Well. "H-how did you...."

Lancer shrugs. "I stabbed you. With my spear."

Kariya sighs.

* * *

"I can't believe this is working." Waver stares as Archer traps all the worms in his Reality Marble and starts killing them all. "How is this working?"

"Master stop having and emotional breakdown and give me more mana."

"Yeah yeah..." Why did Waver want to join this war again? "Sakura-san is still passed out by the way. She must be exhausted after... that."

They found Sakura in the worm pit. Waver almost vomited when he saw it - no child should have to live through that. "Hopefully Lancer can uh... unworm her soon."

"The moment we get out." Archer replies, his gaze flickering to Sakura for a moment. "And you'll have to recharge my mana when we get home too - your supply of blood is running low."

"O-of course!" Oh no. Waver isn't mentally prepaired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today i ran around for 10 mins searching for a Starbucks that was right behind me the entire time. then i realized. this is how being waver velvet feels like


	12. Chapter 12

Kirei stares at X. X stares back and then at the mapo tofu. "You want me to eat this." She states.

"It strengthens the mana flow between us." Is Kirei's only answer.

X eats a spoon full, and the slowly puts the spoon down. "...No."

"Don't make me use a command seal. Eat it, Assassin."

X sighs. It will be painful, but she must comply.

Kirei stares at her, as he tries to figure out what has gone wrong. Tohsaka met up with him and told him they would no longer work together - that the next time they meet, they would be enemies. Kirei does not know why.

"Assassin." He starts. She looks up, a displeased expression on her face. "Do you feel this mana? Some servant is looking for a challenge. I want you to go there and spy on the servants. Try to take out enemy masters if you can." The priest knows of a few masters - like Kiritsugu Emiya. He wants to face the man, but Tohsaka wanted him dead before the sudden end of the alliance.

"...Put a focus on Emiya." Kirei finally says, feeling unsure about his decision.

"....Of course, master." Mysterious Heroine X does not know how she feels about that, but her duty comes first - she has never liked the man anyway. "I shall take my leave." Assassin finishes her mapo tofu, and then leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: i went back and rewrote this chapter before i posted it. it was only the mapo tofu part at first


	13. Chapter 13

They're at Waver's temporary home once again. Waver got the old couple to take a week trip to some hot springs, so they get the home for themselves.

"How is she?" Kariya gestures to the sleeping Sakura on the bed.

"Exhausted, but otherwise fine." Diarmuid smiles softly, placing a hand on Kariya's shoulder. "We got the worms out before they could cause serious harm to her. She'll be fine."

"There is no way to tell what the wormpit did to her mentally though." Archer interjects. "She'll need a lot of support." Waver nods in agreement.

"So... do we keep this aliance up now...?"

"I don't need the grail anymore." Kariya says as he looks at Sakura. He wants to slap Tokiomi for doing this to her - how dare he!? He's her _father_ for crying out loud. "All I wanted is Sakura's safety. You can have it."

"About that..." Waver laughs nervously, trying to hide behind Archer a bit, who snorts in amusement. "The grail is corrupted and Archer wants to... destroy it."

Kariya and Lancer blink multiple times. "...What?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw you almost forget to post the next chapter cuz ur stardew valleying with your bff


	14. Chapter 14

It didn't take much to make Kariya and Lancer believe them.

"Lancer... what do you want to do?" Kariya asks after the explanation. "I have no need for the grail anymore- so I'll let you decide."

Lancer looks like he wants to protest, but then thinks better of it. "...I would like to help destroy the grail. It's the most honorable thing to do - such a thing cannot be allowed to continue existing."

"Then we're all in agreement." Archer stands up. "It's starting to get bright out again - I suggest we catch some sleep while we still can."

Waver ushers Lancer and Kariya into the guest room, before going back to his room. "God, I can't believe how much happened today." He sighs, exhausted.

A quiet laugh. "Too much for you, Waver?" Archer smirks. "I guess we have to save the mana transfer for later?"

Waver sqeaks, he forgot about that. "W-well, you're just biting me anyway right? So- you... you can uh. do that."

"Actually master..." Archer comes closer, tilting Waver's chin up and looking him right in the eyes. "I heard kissing also transfers mana... Care to try it out?"

Waver feels like he's about to faint.


	15. Chapter 15

Saber and Rider have been trading blows for a while. "You are quite strong Rider!" Nero applauds, elated. "But nothing can beat my blade!"

"Hahaha! That's what they all said!" Rider grins, launching another attack at Saber. "I commend your battle skills as well!"

Before they can continue however, they hear a laugh and look up. Another servant. "I was wondering which one of you mongrels was sending out so much mana! I cannot say no to such a challenge."

"Oh? Do you want to join the fight, fellow servant?" Rider asks eagerly. "The more the merrier!"

The blonde servant laughs once again. "It might be entertaining, so why not?" He lifts a stonge tablet and smirks. "Servant Caster, but you won't survive long enough to tell anyone."

"Caster?" Nero blinks, surprised. That's the last thing she expected. She snaps out of it quickly "Then show us what you got, umu!"

* * *

Assassin is lurking in the shadows, trying to find good opportunity to slay Kiritsugu with. She isn't the best at that thing - ironic with her being an Assassin - but she has to try. Or she will have to endure Kriei's mapo tofu once again.

Unfortunately Kiritsugu's assistant spots her. She would have loved to fight him for once, but oh well. X flees the scene, not wanting to be seen by other servants. She already gathered a lot of information while watching them fight.

It's odd to experience the 4th grail war like this - she still remembers being summoned as a Saber by Kiritsugu. The other Saber didn't exist back then - and why did she replace Hassan? Why isn't Gilgamesh an Archer? Maybe this is an event of some kind... a weird one for sure.

Assassin sighs quietly as she thinks of what awaits her. She really misses Shirou's cooking.


	16. Chapter 16

"Wha-wha-whAT!?" Waver flails, screaming as he falls down on the bed in surprise. "Archer, what!?" There is so much blood rushing to his face that he feels dizzy.

Something flickers across Archer's face, but it's gone so fast that Waver can't make sense of it. Then Archer starts laughing. "Master, you're so red. Do you have something to say to me?"

Waver splutters, and then throws his pillow at Archer, who keeps laughing. He starts hitting Archer with the pillow. "Y-you! You! Idiot!"

Archer only laughs more.

Waver finally stops hitting Archer with a pillow, choosing to hide his still red face with it instead. "Archer...." He whines. "Why do keep doing this to me?"

"It's fun to embarrass you." _And your reactions are cute._ Archer pats Waver's head and sits down besides him. "Also I'm a bastard, what can I say? Gotta fill my daily quota."

"...Idiot." Waver lightly punches Archer's arm. "...So, it was a lie, right?"

"The kissing? No, actually."

The pillow falls out of Waver's hands.

Waver is frozen in place, so Archer waves his hand in front of his masters face. "Uh... master?" He didn't mean to break him. Whoops.

"...So you..." Waver starts slowly, blinking a few times. "... want to. do That." He's brain isn't comprehending.

"Do what?" Archer asks innocently.

"K-kiss! You want to!" Another hit with the pillow. "Why?"

"...Mana exchange of course. Less painfu-"

"Liar!" Waver huffs, lifting the pillow in the air, ready for another strike. "Tell the truth or you're getting hit again."

Archer looks at the pillow warily and then sighs. "...Fine. I think you're cute, you happy now?"

His grip on the pillow slackens. Waver lets go and looks down. "...I'm nothing special though." Not to mention his magic circuits aren't the best. "So why would you want to?"

"Waver you literally joined the Grail War out of spite, that's plenty special. Besides-" Archer gently tilts Waver's head up. "Didn't you join because you want respect, because you want to prove yourself? If you aren't satisfied with yourself, go out and prove yourself."

"...Yeah. You're right." A tiny smile blooms on Waver's face. "Thanks Ar-, no, Emiya." It feels right to use his servants true name here. "...I would like that kiss now, by the way."

Now it's Emiya's turn to blush.


	17. Chapter 17

Waver perks up. He got Archer to blush! "...So? I'm waiting."

"You're doing this on purpose now." Archer accuses, but there is a smile on his face. "Geeze, my masters are always so pushy." And then he leans in, pushing his lips on Waver's.

Waver's brain shuts down. He kisses back after the first shock. Archer's lips are soft. A few more seconds pass. Waver feels impossibly warm.

"That wasn't too bad for a first timer." Archer smiles, pulling Waver a bit closer to himself. "But we can train you."

"I'm starting to think this isn't actually transferring mana." Huffing, Waver hesitantly leans against Emiya. "You just wanted an excuse, you selfish idiot."

"Well, the exchange of mana is an exchange of bodily fluids." Archer replies, wrapping an arm around Waver's waist. "So if you want to french kiss, be my guest."

"...Not before a date. I'm not that easy." It's too bad the pillow is out of reach now. "You gotta do the vampire thing instead."

"Fine fine." Archer scoffs, but there is no heat behind it. "Let's make it nice and comfortable for you." He pulls Waver on his lap, who squeaks quietly. "You ready?"

Waver nods. Archer bites Waver's neck like the fancy vampire he is.

Being bitten is... weird, but kind of pleasant. It's also horribly embarrassing. "Does blood taste special to servants?" Waver asks after a while, after Archer lapping up the blood good too embarrassing too watch.

"Want me to wax poetry like it tastes the best when it comes from you or something?" Emiya starts taking care of the bite, cleaning it carefully. "Well sorry to disappoint, it tastes the same."

"Oh." Waver didn't know what he expected. "...Emiya, what are you going to do after we destroy the grail?" He wanted to ask for a while.

"...I don't know." Emiya discards the cloth he used to clean the bite. "My existence is not exactly the best one - killing my past self here won't safe me from my fate." Pretty much nothing can save him now. No one would want to.

Waver is quiet for a moment. "I-I was thinking... How about you... stay here, with me?" Archer is too shocked to answer. "I mean I it would save you, right? We would have to transfer mana a lot since I don't have the best reserves but..."

"I would love to." Is the quiet reply. "Thank you, Waver." Archer never thought of that solution. No doubt this will be draining on Waver, but he's willing to do this for Emiya's sake.

"I'm glad." Waver pulls Emiya close. "Now come on and cuddle with me, I deserve it after the stunts you pulled today."

Emiya snorts and pulls the blanket over them. "As you wish, master."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, lying down to sleep yesterday: i feel like i forgot something  
me, 5 minutes later: a fuck, the fic  
me:  
me: falls asleep


	18. Chapter 18

Nero did not expect Caster to throw weapons of all thing at them. They're hard to dodge, but she finds herself enjoying the challenge.

"You're quite the opponent, Caster!" Rider laughs, somehow managing to dodge the attacks and block them as well. "It's almost like you're an Archer!"

Caster laughs as well, throwing even more weapons at them. "Pah! Maybe taking on the staff made me even stronger?"

Suddenly, they here an ungodly scream. "What-" Irisviel begins, but a scoff from Caster stops her.

"Ah, the mad dog finally makes his appearence." He stops his attacks, scowling at the woods instead.

Another scream - moments arter a fow veiled in shadows bursts out of the woods and slams into the clearing.

"...Berserker." Caster's face looks like he ate something disgusting. "How dare you interrupt my entertainment?"

Berserker only screams in rage, and starts attacking.


	19. Chapter 19

Kiritsugu scowls. Berserker appearing threw off his aim at Kayneth - who retreated as well. A perfect opportunity, wasted!

_"Saber. Retreat."_ He notifies his servant mentally.

Nero frowns at the command. _"But- Berserker... I can't just leave now!"_ She doesn't want Rider to deal with the thing alone.

_"__Retreat or I'm using a command seal."_ Nero grimaces at the reply.

"Kaynteth, I can't do that!" Rider suddenly says. A red glow - his master must have used a command seal then. He turns to face her. "....My master ordered me to kill you with Berserker."

"I'm sorry, Rider." Retreating does sound better now. "I shall retreat then." She scopes up Irisviel in a bridal carry, and runs off. Iksander does not give chase.

Kayneth's voice rings out. "What are you doing!? Follow her!"

"You only ordered me to kill her, not chase her." Rider likes his master less and less.

"... Fine. Retreat." Kayneth sounds displeased. Caster only watches in amusment. "Farewell, fellow king. I shall take my leave as well."

Berserker is the only one left, standing unnaturaly still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i'm gonna update only every second day now, cuz i won't have that much time in the near future


	20. Chapter 20

"Rider, what the HELL was that?" Kayneth is fuming, screaming at Iksander. "You told everyone who you are, and on top of that you made me waste a command seal!"

Rider pretends not to care, but frowns inwardly. What a troublesome master he has. "I have my pride as a king. You may be my master, but do you really thing you have the right to command me around?"

"I am Lord El Melloi! I have more than enough rights to command a familiar around!" How dare this servant even think he's better than him?

Sola-Ui holds in a sigh as she watches- keeping Berserket in check already strained her, but this shouting match is too much right now. "Kayneth, Rider was a King - he's not used to following orders... Give him a bit more time, and it will be fine." It won't, she's pretty sure. Either Kayneth or Rider will snap one day.

"....Fine, we're done, for now. Let's go to my workshop and then rest."

"Whatever you say, _master_." Rider says with a slight mocking tone. He really wishes he got someone else as master.


	21. Chapter 21

Kiritsugu sighs as Saber and Irisviel arrive. He's glad to see his wife but... "Saber- why did you hesitate in fulfilling my orders?"

"Praetor, I am an emperor, and as an emperor, I have my pride." Nero crosses her arms and glares at her master in defiance. "I was not about to leave Rider to fight that beast alone umu."

Kiritsugu scowls. "Fine. You two, get rest. Maiya and me still have some things to do."

"Praetor, let me come with, you-"

"No. You're of no use to me when exhausted." There is also no way Saber would agree with what he's about to do. Besides, what good is a tool if she isn't willing to follow orders?

Kiritsugu and Maiya leave, Saber and Irisviel staring after them.

* * *

Kiritsugu stares at the house Waver Velvet uses as a base, and he's conflicted. It would be so easy to kill him - important too, since the master of Lancer seems to have made an aliance with him.

Waver is just there, clinging to the Archer he summoned and sleeping peacefully. Kiritsugu aims his sniper rifle at him.

He can't.

He can't shoot a child. He should, but he _can't._ There are some lengths not even he can go through. All he sees when he aims is a misguided child in a war, not ready for it all. Just like he couldn't bring himself to cheat on Iri - he should get used to hurting her - but he can't. Kiritsugu is weak.

Besides, that Archer... something about him is important, but Kiritsugu can't place it.

"Maiya.... Let's not do this." She doesn't question his decision, but he can tell she's relieved.

They leave. Kiritsugu feels a bit less like scum.


	22. Chapter 22

Waver wakes up, content and rested. He opens his eyes and sees Archer's chest. Oh. Last night was real then. Waver didn't halucinate. Oh god he kissed Archer. Waver risks a peak up at Emiya's face. Still asleep - he looks so calm...

Waver lies there, still cuddling with Archer and unsure what to do. He never had a boyfriend before - does he buy Emiya flowers? Chocolate? Waver has no idea how this works at all!

"What are you thinking about so intensly?" Archer's voice startles Waver out of his thoughts.

"Uh." He starts very intelligently. "Do I. Do I get you flowers? How do boyfriends work? Help?"

"Well..." Emiya starts, unsure how to proceed. "I don't... know?" They're just two useless gay idiots huh.

"Ah..." Waver must have come to the same conclusion. "...We'll figure it out." He shily leans up to kiss Emiya's cheek.

Archer blushes and tightens his hold on Waver for a bit. "...Yeah. I do want to take you on a date after the whole grail war. But first, breakfast."

Waver looks at the time. It's more lunch then breakfast, but he is hungry. "Alright, I'll go wake up Lancer and Matou-san."

"I'm so comfortable though." Archer whines, but let's Waver go. "Oh and Waver?" Archer gives Waver a quick kiss. "Good morning."

"...Idiot." Waver gets up, smiling. Archer looks so much happier now - Waver is really glad.

Once dressed, Waver knocks at Kariya's door. Lancer opens it. "Ah, good morning lord Waver. My lord and lady Sakura are still sleeping."

"Sakura-san probably needs more rest, Matou-san too..." Waver replies. "Archer is making breakfast, come down when you are ready."

"We will - and congratulations by the way." At Waver's confused look, Lancer continues. "You got together with your Archer, did you not? The walls aren't that thick and servants hear better than normal people."

"Oh! Th-thank you." Is he supposed to say something else? "We're uh... happy. I'm gonna go to the kitchen to see if Archer needs anything." Waver leaves quickly, feeling awkward.

"A romance between master and servant..." Lancer whispers to himself. "I wonder, can such a thing work out?"


	23. Chapter 23

"Tohsaka. Wine." Gilgamesh orders as he lies down on the couch. His 'master' does as told.

"Your Highness, may I ask... what exactly is your plan?" Tokiomi is really starting to lose his patience with his servant.

"It is none of your concern." Gilgamesh glares at Tokiomi as one would glare at a insect. "Just do what I say, and the grail shall be yours, mongrel." It won't be. Gilgamesh shall gleefully watch as it gets destroyed.

"...Of course, your Highness." Tohsaka grits his teeth and leaves.

"You can come out of hiding now." Caster says in a bored tone.

A scared squeak is his answer, and a little girl peaks out from behind the curtain. "You knew I was there?"

Gilgamesh laughs. "Of course! I am a servant after all. Say, Tohsaka Rin, what are you doing here?" He knows Tohsaka forbid his family from entering his workshop.

"I wanted to see you." Rin says, trying her best to appear calm. Gilgamesh commends her efforts. "To judge you."

"Oh?" Caster tilts his head, amused.

"Yes!" Rin puffs out her cheeks. "And I judge you to be... interesting." More like a lazy meanie, but she won't say that. "So you can stay."

Gilgamesh breaks out in laughter. "I see! What a curious child you are." He summons a golden goblet out of his gate. "Drink some wine with me, Tohsaka Rin."

"I'm underage though." She takes the goblet anyway.

"Do you think I care?"

"Good point."

"This isn't wine." Rin says after a moment. "It's juice."

"Pretend it is." Gilgamesh answers with a smile.

Only moments later, Tokiomi burst into the room, only to stare at the scene in front of him in horror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> funfact that was my fave part to write so far


	24. Chapter 24

"Rin!" Tokiomi looks like he swallowed a bug.

The gears a turning in Rin's head. "Your servant gave me this nice tasting drink." She says with a smile. "It's good."

"I trust there is no problem?" Gilgamesh smiles smugly. "Your daughter proved to be an excellent drinking partner." What great entertainment this is!

"I-I see..." Tohsaka looks a bit white. "But she's just... a child, she shouldn't drink that just yet, your Highness."

"What's wrong with juice, father?" Rin tilts her head, looking pure and innocent.

"N-nothing! Nothing." Oh. Just juice. Of course Gilgamesh isn't insane enough to give a child wine, right?

"Oh and father, why haven't you invited him for dinner yet?" Rin thinks it would be a blast to have Caster there. "That's terribly rude."

"That's right. Terribly rude." Gilgamesh will have to give Rin a reward later. Maybe she'll like jewels? "Now leave and call us when dinner is done! I have much to discuss with your daughter."

Tokiomi wants to object, but the look Gilgamesh gives him silences him. "...If course, your highness." He turns around and leaves. Oh god, this is the worst case scenario.


	25. Chapter 25

"Well done." Caster applauds once Tokiomi left. "You've earned yourself a reward, girl." He opens the gate and lets a few jewels fall into the Rin's hands.

"Thanks." Her eyes sparkle as she examines the gems. "It was fun, I never saw father acting like this. Why is he... afraid of you?"

"Picked up on that, didn't you?" The girl is more perceptive than he thought. "Simply put, he knows the command seals won't be able to contain me." Not much can, really.

Rin sips more of her juice. It really is good juice. "So? It's not like you're scary or anything. Just tall and glare-y."

More laughter. "You would have been a much more interesting master!"


	26. Chapter 26

Kirei stares at Assassin. Assassin stares back.

"You failed to kill Kiritsugu Emiya."

"I did."

"...Good." The answer surprised Assassin. "I want to face him myself first."

"...Alright, what will you have me do then?" X would love to see Kiritsugu fall but... who would raise Shirou in his stead? She's conflicted.

"Tomorrow night, we'll attack his hideout. Keep his servant distracted. It's the Saber you saw." Kirei's voice is emotionless.

"Ah, the Saberface." Assassin smiles. "She must be eliminated anyway."

"...Your goals confuse me."

"So do yours, but do you see me complaining?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> funfact: i started writing a fgo gilkidu fic because i was catching up with the babylonia anime and ep5 destroyed me; also i got first hassan in fgo and that motivated me to write more. everyone say thank you grandpa darksouls


	27. Chapter 27

"Ah, Archer!" Waver runs into kitchen. There Archer is, wearing an apron and cooking. "It smells good."

"It's nothing special." A complete lie. Archer took the best stuff out of the fridge and decided to go all out. "What about the others?"

"Everyone but Lancer is still sleeping." Waver sits down in the kitchen, watching Emiya cook. It's soothing. "What do we do now...?"

"I suggest finding new allies, but let's wait with that discussion until everyone is here."


	28. Chapter 28

"Lunch is ready, your highness." Tokiomi comes in, looking like he rather be elsewhere.

"Oh! I'm hungry!" Rin jumps up, and Gilgamesh lets her cup disappear into the gate.

"It better is a meal befitting of a king." Caster follows behind Rin, a nervous Tokiomi behind him.

Dinner is a bit awkward - for Rin's parents that is. Gilgamesh and Rin are having a blast.

Once her parents leave to do grown up things, Rin looks up at Gilgamesh. "It was nice to have 4 people at dinner again." She says quietly. "It hasn't been the same since Sakura left." She misses her sister dearly.

"...I see." Sakura Matou- no, Tohsaka. "I shall tell you a secret." Rin has been the best entertainment so far, so he might as well tell her. "I saw her - she has been saved. You will meet her soon."

"I-I will?" Rin isn't sure what Caster means with 'saved', but that has to be good news! "That's... good."

Gilgamesh allows himself a small, genuine smile. "As for now - you have to pay me for that information. Entertain me for the rest of the night!" He says the last part loudly.

"I have school tomorrow." Not like she cares.

"Call in sick for the rest of the week." It's much less boring with Rin home. Also safer for her, but she doesn't need to know that.

"Father-" Rin starts.

"...We'll call school tomorrow." Tokiomi has officially given up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm posting a second chapter because the other one is. uh. short


	29. Chapter 29

Soon, Lancer, Kariya and even Sakura come down. Sakura looks a tad... lost. Archer's heart aches when he sees her. She walks up to them hesitantly. "U-uncle Kariya told me everything... Thanks for helping me." There is a small smile on her face. Archer wants to keep it there

"Of course." Waver kneels down and smiles at her. "We couldn't leave you there. It isn't right." He really feels for the girl. No one deserves such a fate. "But for now, let's eat breakfast, shall we? Archer made a lot."

"Oh! Let me help set the table!" She looks so happy that Waver doesn't have the heart to say no to her, so they set the table together.

Breakfast goes by quickly. They don't talk much, but it's peaceful.

"So- what do we do now?" Kariya asks. "We need to find a safe place for Sakura first." Getting her back home comes to mind, but Tokiomi was the bastard that put here _there_ in the first place.

They're silent for a moment. Surprisingly, Lancer is the first one to speak up. "My lady Sakura, where do you want to go?"

"I...I want to go home. To my sister. I miss her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i made a jp account like 2 days ago and got np3 skadi with 60 saint quartz. i have emotions about this.
> 
> I also started a new fic - [Labyrinth of Faded Pasts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21441331/chapters/51091501) \- it's a gilkidu fic, if you like this fic you might like that one too!


	30. Chapter 30

"...Of course." Kariya has many conflicting emotions about that, but this is what Sakura wants. He can't say no to her.

"Tohsaka Mansion huh..." Archer mumbles, and Waver is reminded he saw Archer getting summoned by a Tohsaka in the future. This will probably be painful for him. Waver frowns, and holds Archer's hand under the table.

"So we go to the Tohsaka Mansion, drop Sakura-san there and hope her father won't want to fight." Waver sums up.

"Yep."

"Archer, why are all our plans horrible?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for not uploading - i had a test today and i kinda. was very stressed and forgot


	31. Chapter 31

It's a nice day for Rin. She gets to stay at home and have a tea party with Gilgamesh. Her mother is out and her father is holed up in his workshop.

The doorbell rings. Rin goes to open the door, Caster trailing after her with a knowing smile on his face.

"What do you- Sakura!?" Rin gets tackled into a hug by her sister, not quite being able to comprehend what's happening.

"Nee-chan!" Sakura sobs, holding Rin thightly. "I missed you, it was so horrible! But they saved me!"

Rin is confused- but then remembers Caster's words and looks up sharply.

There Kariya and an unknown teen stand. The boy waves awkwardly. "...Hi."


	32. Chapter 32

Rin blinks several times. Then. "Caster, explain."

"I did promise you she got saved, didn't I?" Gilgamesh keeps smiling. "Come in, fools! The happy reunion must be celebrated! Your servants can come out too. Staying in spirit form is - as Rin would put it - terribly rude."

Kariya and Waver look at each other, before giving their servants the mental signal to appear once more.

Archer stays close to Waver, tense and ready to defend his master immediatly. It _is_ Gilgamesh after all. Even as Caster he should be powerful - and even without the grails corruption, Emiya doesn't trust him at all.

They make it as far as the living room - Tokiomi comes bursting out of his workshop. "W-what's going on?"

Gilgamesh's smile gains a mocking edge. "These masters saved your daughter from your stupidity."

"My- S-Sakura-!" Tokiomi goes still when he sees her. "What happened to your hair? What...?"

Sakura clings tighter to Rin, not saying a word. Kariya clenches his teeth.

"What happened?! The Matou happened Tokiomi!" Kariya yells out, hands clenched in anger. "What did you think would happend?"

"No- they didn't..." Tokiomi's face is ashen.

"Mongrel." Gilgamesh scoffs. "Denial is unbecoming. You know exactly what happened."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> test time is almost over which means i'll have more time for fics again! soon updates will be less irregular


	33. Chapter 33

His lord is tense and angry. Diarmuid knows it's all directed at Sakura's father. The hate Kariya feels for that man is immense, but they're not here to start a fight. 

"My lord." Lancer lies his hand on Kariya's shoulder. Kariya grows a bit less tense and takes a deep breath.

"How about... you and me have this discussion in private? No fighting." Kairya looks at the children for a moment. They shouldn't have to see this.

"Rin-san was it?" Waver kneels down in front of the girls. "Can we maybe go to your room?"

The girl nods after a moment. "...I was having a tea party with Caster. Sakura, you and your servant can join."

"Splendid!" Gilgamesh starts walking to Rin's room. "The more entertainment the better!"

They walk away, leaving Kariya, Tokiomi and Lancer behind. 


	34. Chapter 34

"I could kill you so easily right now." Kariya states as soon as the children are out of earshot. "Your servant left you and my servant would, if I asked." Lancer tenses. "But I won't."

Tokiomi lets out a reliefed breath. "...Why? You're an enemy master."

"I won't do that to Aoi, Rin and Sakura." Kariya closes his eyes. "You can't even begin to image what horror you unleashed on your daughter. Trust me. I know it too well." He still has nightmares. "The only reason we came here is because she missed her sister."

Tokiomi looks unwell. Good. The bastard deserves it. "I... I... how can I ever make this up to her? I never imagined they would do... that."

"They're the Matous Tokiomi!" How could he be so naive? Kariya wants to punch him. "You still gave her to them! Knowing exactly how they are! You gave Sakura to them! You have no excuses!"

"...You're right." That Kariya didn't expect to hear.


End file.
